i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize