i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
