My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
