you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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