dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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