She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sponge bath it is.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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