Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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