I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
