I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
