You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
