life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
