A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
