i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i think i have two assholes
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
