I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
