Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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