Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
