Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
