What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
