May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
