Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
