mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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