If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
