Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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