Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize