I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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