I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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