He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
