There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Success! We fucked roommates!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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