Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
