Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
