seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
