So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
