My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
