My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
