I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
