yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
