sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize