i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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