I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
