If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize