I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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