i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
