dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
