Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
