Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
