You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
