he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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