Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Randomize
