If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
