If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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