im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
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