New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
