apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
