My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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