yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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