I think my vagina is haunted
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
