I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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