trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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